Another week gone...another sunset without you

These past three of four days have been intensely painful without you. Not the normal everyday pain since you've been gone, but excruciating pain.

I don't know if it is the initial shock wearing off?

I bet that is what the grief books say.

I can't read those books for more than five minutes at a time. 

I just can't.

There have been multiple times when I didn't want to move forward Jesse.

I want to be with you.

I listened to one of your old voice mails today, twice.

That's all I could do.

I cried.

I bawled.

I look at your face in the pictures around the house and I close my eyes.

This house no longer feels like home.

I hear your voice, I see your smile.

I go out every now and then and I end up getting anxious and restless because you are not there.

It makes me physically sick and I get nauseous.

I hurry and get back to the house.

I feel like you might be waiting for me at home.

Or maybe you might be coming home soon to be with me

I look at Isis' face and think about how she will remember you as she gets older.

I keep talking to her about you.

We both talk about you.

Sometimes we also avoid talking about you.

It's the pain.

I want her to always remember things you taught her and remember your values and what was important to you.

I want her to remember her daddy who loved her so much and lived only for her for many years.

I look at Maya's face and I look for you in her.

I wonder how I am going to tell her about you.

I wonder what I am going to tell her about her daddy.

I want her to know you.

I have started talking to her in Malayalam, like you've always wanted me to.

But what's the point since you are not here to watch me talk to her in another language.

Every now and then I stop and think about what you would've said to her while pushing her in the stroller while she looked up at you with her beautiful smile.

Twinkling eyes.

The funny faces you would've made to make her laugh

Rushed to her side when she woke up from her nap, crying

Snuggled up next to her while she slept

Where are you?

How are you?

What are you doing these days?

Do you miss me?

Do you watch over the girls?

Will you show me the way?

His last poem

Jesse often...almost every day...wrote me poems and little love notes. He would write mostly on his train ride to work. I usually fell back to sleep with Maya after he left and I would wake up a few hours later and his poems waited for me.

Sometimes, I awaited their arrival. And they would show up...eventually.

He fondly called me Priya Pop.

The engraving on my wedding band reads: " My sweetie Priya PriyaPop"

Yes. I still wear my wedding band.
Yes. It is still on the same finger.

I love you, JLSP.

Here it is...

Priya(POP)
in which the POP

I see you in every
smile, even the
empty, vacuous, teens'
air-headed vanity...

Your mischievous grin
lights up my face
in bright warm response
-to even the mem'ry.

I wish for you here at
my side, that we
could poke fun and giggle
at every inanity...

So we too would be
labeled as fatuous
and, giggling, we'd be
suspected of having lost
our own sanity.

For it is so,
it is true,
it is,
e'en,
forsooth-
Reduced to a
gibbering-brainless-prat,
am I-
a slave to your
-beauty and soul-
('tis gods' cruel truth!)
"In love", I cry-
And so, alone,
I cry (in love)...

- JLSP, 3/20/2012

Two months

I love you so much!

It is still hard.
My heart cannot be mended
It bleeds with pain.

They say it gets easier...
when?
Wait...
I don't want it to get easy either.

I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.

Tears and heartache.

Maya is five months old today

There have been very few days when I just go about life and such without actually crying even once.

It doesn't mean that my love for you is fading
It doesn't mean that I am moving on
It doesn't mean that I don't miss you

It just means that I was alright that day
It means that I was able to get by that day with you close to my heart
The heartache was somewhat tolerable that day

Mother's Day came and went.
It was a hard day.


Maya is five months old today babe.


I dressed her in the same dress she wore two days before you left us, for her three month birthday.
It fits much better now. She has grown.
Every time she smiles and laughs I think about you and I miss you.
It breaks my heart that you are not here to hear that laugh.

You never heard her laugh.
She started laughing for the first time on the day of your memorial service.

I hear you laugh sometimes.
Your voice is still fresh in my mind, my heart.

I hear you call for me sometimes.
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I wonder when you are going to turn off the video games and come to bed.

Isis said she heard you call out to her the other day while she was playing.
"Isis...over here. Look over here Isis..." that's what she heard you say.

She is writing in her journal every night for you.
She wonders if you are reading her letters.
She calls them letters.

She was sad today when she saw and heard a little girl call out for her daddy at the park.
I held her tight.
I hold Maya tight.

Today has been a crying day for me.
The heartache has been intolerable.

I miss you.

I wish I could just hold you
just one more time...

Maya, a few hours old, with daddy.

Ms. Farnan, our superhero teacher

As a young girl, and also in my adulthood, I have had the pleasure of connecting and knowing wonderful teachers and professors, who became my mentors, some of whom I am still in touch with. They have each played a special role in shaping me into the woman that I have become today.

Isis has had wonderful teachers in her life, but she really didn't build that solid, healthy, nurturing connection with anyone until last year...when we transferred her from the Oakland school to our public school in Union City.

There she met Ms. Farnan, half way through third grade.

And from day one, she has looked up to her with reverent awe.

She hoped, intensely, to be with Ms. Farnan for fourth grade as well.

And she did.

She was beyond thrilled!

We heard wonderful stories about Ms. Farnan every single day. Isis would even write stories for her class assignments with Ms. Farnan as the superhero who killed the monsters and zombies and saved the day. It was amazing to watch how much she connected with her and above all how much interest she showed in reading and learning since then. Isis always loved school and wouldn't miss a day for anything. There was one day last year when she was sick and I decided to keep her home from school. Isis , clutching her belly, "Mama, I will be okay. Can I please go to school. Today Ms. Farnan is going to read us a special book. I will try not to throw up in class! Please?" 

Still makes me chuckle.

She stayed home.

After Jesse passed, Ms. Farnan and the school community have been there for us and especially for Isis in so many ways.

They are family. 

Ms. Farnan made sure that Isis was okay in class and she made sure Isis got her personal space when she became sad thinking about daddy and needed a moment. All her wonderful classmates made cards for her, which we displayed at the service. Isis was so happy. And of course, she announced to the whole world that Ms. Farnan was coming to the service and that the rest of the family members could meet her then.

Ms. Farnan was also thoughtful to do some research and pick out some great children's grief books that we could read together.

"Tear Soup" was one of them.

We have read it together a few times and it has become one of Isis's favorites.

I knew she would love this book because of her love for cooking. 

A book that described grief, the uniqueness of grief, ways to handle grief, including a recipe to make tear soup...sure winner in Isis' world!

This is her favorite page in the book and we often use it a scale to measure how we both are feeling.

This post is dedicated to Ms. Farnan.

I know that you have affected Isis' life in a significant way and no matter where life takes her, I am sure Isis will look back, and fondly, and proudly remember you.

As parents, Jesse and I have always been huge fans and supporters of teachers.

Ms. Farnan continues to fuel that support.

Thank you Ms. Farnan.

We love you!

Isis and Ms. Farnan, Halloween 2011

Rebecca goes to the May Day rally in NYC and I get Deb

A good friend of mine from grad school, Rebecca, decides to attend to the May Day rally in NYC to get inspired because she is all about the advocacy and also because she is awesome.

She and a few other grad school friends of mine have been an immense source of support for me during this hard time. They have patiently listened to me while I rant, they have offered kind words, and above all... they have been comfortable with my silence and given me the space to reach out to them however and whenever I have wanted to.

I love them!
Every time I look around the corner when I am lost or scared, there they are.
Ever willing.

Anyway...

Rebecca attends this rally and then emails me the next day about running into an organization called the National Lawyers Guild in NYC. It was through their resources that I found Deborah Lagutaris.

When I reached out to Deb, I was beyond broken.
I was tired and I was ready to give up and give in.
I didn't see much hope and I honestly didn't expect much from her.

Now, where do I start talking about Deb?

We spoke on the phone and I explained my situation to her, all the while trying not cry. Deb heard me patiently and said, "I will work on this with you. Please don't worry." She was also honest with me about her fees and made sure I was alright before proceeding further. I then sent her a few documents and she began working on my legal paperwork right away.

Because of my horrible experiences with finding legal help and because of being ripped off by organizations who claimed they could help me, I was skeptical about Deb in the beginning. I didn't tell anyone about her. Not even Rebecca. I even wondered if I had made another mistake by trusting her.

Naivety had me feeling stupid not too long ago.

But Deb was real.
Deb was actually helping me.

She stayed in touch with me for the next few days and held my hand and got me through a significant legal hurdle. Even though the hurdle is somewhat behind me, Deb continues to assist me.

It was an emotional experience.
I am glad she was with me.
Above all, I am glad she is genuine.

When I met Deb, we spoke about our lives and our experiences and Deb also spoke briefly about a significant loss in her life.

We were able to connect with each other through our grief and through many unspoken words.

Deb was there for me at a time when people haughtily turned their backs toward me. She was the one person who was willing to stand by me, listen to me, and make sure she did her best to help me out, like she said she would.

When people are grieving, struggling through a recent trauma, have had a significant loss in their lives, or experiencing any other life altering transitions, there is really not much they need other than a listening ear, a willing heart, compassion, and people who keep their word when they say they are going to do something. I am not sure if this is true of everyone, but it is for me.

Oh...I also need hugs. Lots of them.

I am fragile at the moment, and trust is important to me.
Deb gained my trust and she keeps my trust.

I cannot thank you enough for everything you have done for me and the girls, dear Deb.
Jesse would've loved to to meet you and he thanks you as well.

If you are interested, you can learn more about Deb and her services here http://aardvarklegalsf.org/aa/

Side note: Advocacy is important, not only for yourself, but also for the community you live in. You never know who you will run into and who you might end up helping in return.

Jesse, Priya, Isis and Maya in the belly saying thank you.

And here's to you

And here's to you...

Today was a big day for me, for us.
You know what I am talking about.
You know what's going on...
I know you were watching over me to make sure everything went alright.

And it did...
Here's to hoping that the rest of the journey will also be alright.

Here's to the strong you
the compassionate and vibrant you
here's to the confident you
the you that didn't break easily
the you that was open to asking for guidance when needed

Here's to you that spoke your mind fearlessly
naming injustice without hesitation when you witnessed it
and here's to you who encouraged me to do the same.

Thank you for being you.
Thank you for loving me and allowing me love you.

Continue to watch over us.
Thank you for sending Deb my way.


Tomorrow, I am going to dedicate my post to a special person named Deb.

Tonight, I am going to be kind to myself, drink some wine, and get some sleep.
Maybe you will come visit?


I love you. Goodnight.

And...here's to you.

Not just yet

Today I was in a place doing something that needed to be done. A lady there was having some sort of a medical emergency related to her heart. I was calm in the beginning and even offered to help in any way I could. Then her friend got on the phone with 911.

That's when I froze.
It all came back to me.

I stood up and moved myself away from the area, but at the same time, I had to remind myself to stay calm because I was there to get something done and it wasn't the time or the place to break down, if I could help it. All the medical professionals arrived. I watched them as they actually took their own sweet time to get to the poor lady.

My heart was racing and I was actually getting angry at them.

I kept thinking..."Hurry the hell up assholes!"

I wondered if they took their own bloody time to get to Jesse that night.
Maybe if they had hurried?
Nah...
I know.
I know he was gone for at least a little while when I found him.

I also know I need to start seeing my therapist again. All the skills that I teach my clients as a therapist seem difficult for me to use for my own good.

I am not ready to be in therapy yet.
I am not ready to do the work.
Doing work means having to start the process of moving on.
Healing.
I don't want to move on, yet.
I don't want to heal.
Can I be a functional human being meanwhile and keep my shit together so I can provide for the girls?
Absolutely!

My grief is my own.
I don't feel like tearing my heart open to you and showing you the raw insides.

Tears and patterns

I cried a lot today.
I had some good cries.

Some that felt like my heart would burst open with sorrow.

I burst into tears randomly.
I am fine one minute and the next, I can't talk or breathe or focus.

I cried for a while in the bathroom, alone.

I cried while I lay next to Maya and my sweet angel woke up to look at me...with those eyes, her father's eyes

and her face was saying..."Don't cry mama..."

And then I looked over next to her face and saw the pattern my tears had made on the sheets...

Yes. Jess...
I know...

Supermoon and fingerprint

I missed the "supermoon"
I wanted to watch it in the sky and feel close to you
and wonder if you were watching it too
But life distracted me
distractions are welcomed
they keep the ache at bay, at least for a moment
I cry when I am alone.
I cry at night

I think about that night often

While driving away from home today
I pictured them driving away with you that night...
as our home grew smaller and smaller and disappeared
leaving us behind
taking you away from us
I wonder if you screamed then
or were you by my side all along?

I wear the print of your finger
around my neck
reminds me of the touch of your skin
the way you gently moved your fingers back and forth, on my hand, comfortingly,
while you held it
the fingers that touched my face once
while your eyes looked at me, intensely

I looked at the lines closely for a long time
to see if they would talk back to me
I thought about your life
paths you walked
your big, bright, embracing presence
the lives you touched
The lines
fused with the lines on my fingers
the lines
touched the freckles on my face

This was planned
I am touched
I will always feel
feel the warmth
of you and everything you are
were

and these lines of yours
around my neck
will envelope me
while I continue to move
and hope
that the lines on my hands
will touch yours
again...
one day
and we'll pick up
from where we left off
while the lines enmesh
fade into one
...one day

Weekends. And a false sighting of Rubyroo

I don't like weekends anymore!

I loved Friday nights because they were my comfort nights with Jess, unwinding from the week, and planning the weekend shenanigans.

I still haven't stopped waiting for him to come home every evening.
Today the phone rang at around that time of the evening and my heart became excited for a second.

I almost said to my mom, out loud, "Oh...that must be Jess!"

No.

But interestingly...it was someone calling about our cat Ruby.

Ruby and Jesse shared a strong connection. I saw so much sadness in Ruby's little face the day after Jesse passed.

She hung around here for another day or two and then she was gone.

At first...we just waited for her because she has taken off in the past for a few days, but she always came back home.

She always came back to Jesse.

Not this time.
Well, yeah...there is no Jesse to come home to.
We have been looking for her. And we put up posters for her.

Today someone called because they thought they had found Ruby. He sent me a picture of the cat that had showed up in his backyard, but it wasn't our Ruby.

I just hope she has found another home and I hope someone is loving her as much as Jesse did.

Sometimes Isis and I wonder if she also meeped somehow and if she is with Jesse now.

We love you Rubyroo and we miss you kitty!

And here is one of my favorite pics of Jess as a young boy...

Shall we get married this weekend?

Jesse and I spoke about marriage every now and then, but we often came to the conclusion that it really was just a piece of certified legal paper and that our love and commitment to each other was beyond some bullshit legal certification.

Well...

Three months into my pregnancy with Maya...
I was laying in bed after I came home from work and I was exhausted. Jesse came home after a little while and got in bed with me and snuggled.

Jesse: babe...will you marry me?
Me (eyes closed...thinking he's being silly): depends on the ring you'll put on my finger.

He pulls out a box from his pocket.

Jesse: will this do?
Me: (silence) (speechless)
The ring was stunning, but the fact that he was seriously proposing marriage, ring and all....

And, after a few seconds...
Me: SHUT UP!!!

And then we both squealed.
I did most of the squealing.
We hugged.
Jesse kissing my belly, "Maya Rose, your parents are engaged!"
Called Isis to come in quick...
More squealing from Isis ensued.

Then a few months later, when I was around five months pregnant...
as part of our random conversation...

Jesse: we should get married babe
Me: sure
Jesse: this weekend?
Me: ummm...where? Vegas? Oooh...Elvis? Or some place closer maybe...
Jesse: Reno?
Me: sure
Jesse: sure? really baby?
Me: yeah babe...really really.

More squealing....and crying and some more squealing.

We didn't even tell our parents. Isis was in Texas with the grandparents.

See...I told you earlier.
We acted like bloody teenagers when she was visiting grandparents.

We eloped.

We got one of those chapel packages. I got myself a lovely purple dress that had room for my growing belly. We went shopping for Jesse's ensemble in Reno a few hours before the limo arrived to pick us up.

He was such a diva.

I picked my dress online in under thirty minutes and got the express shipping option.
My dress arrived the day before we left to Reno.

Jesse took around two hours at the men's wearhouse.
His tie matched the purple in my dress.

I must admit...we both looked damn good!

We were driven to the courthouse first where we signed our names in front of this lady who raised her eyebrow and asked, "well...are you both sure?"

We laughed and said "yes!!!"

Then we were driven to this place that looked like a regular building from the outside. Inside was plastic arches and pillars with fake flowers everywhere. We then were introduced to a priest dude who was pretty cool and then there was a lady who took our pictures under the plastic arches.

Dope!

We laughed and loved every bit of it.

We both had written our own vows before hand.

We were married once we read them to each other and then priest dude gave his own shpeel about marriage, which was actually kinda sweet, and then pronounced us husband and wife.

It was perfect.
It was so very perfect.
And for some reason...it was all the more special because it was just the two of us.

And Maya in the belly.
But we won't count her since Isis will feel left out.

We love our families, but this was about Jesse and me...our moment, our love, and our commitment to each other.

Writing our own special vows, reading it to each other under the plastic arches with fake flowers in the presence of awesome priest dude, made getting the aforementioned bullshit legal certification momentous and unforgettable.

I am proud and honored to be your wife.

I love you Jesse Lee Schneider Phelps.

Your wife,
Priya Moorkoth-Phelps


And hey...Jesse won the money that we spent on our wedding package later that night at the slot machines.

I went from

I went from being content and safe
to chaos
I went from being confident
to unsure and confused
I went from being self sufficient
to seeking welfare
I went from coming home to your arms
to loneliness
I went from having someone to cuddle and fall asleep next to
to having a cold bed and sleepless nights
I went from longing for social interactions and company
to restlessness and avoidance
I went from having a shopping partner
to running in quickly to grab things and hurry home so I don't think about you to the point of being a horrible mess
I went from checking out cool and interesting places to go to
to thinking about places where you would like your ashes spread
I went from wait till your father gets home
to just silence
I went from having someone to text all the time
to blankly staring at my phone hoping you call or text me one last time
I went from knowing what I wanted
to being unfocused and lost
I went from loving life
to wishing it would come to an end
I went from loving our home
to obsessing about when and where to move
I went from having your smell linger on me
to frantically looking for pieces things that still smell like you
I went from loving little girl baby clothes
to hating everything because of the "daddy's girl" "I love daddy" references
I went from always having your hand to hold
to grasping on to my clothes or my purse when I walk down the street
I went from "yeah...my husband is at work..."
to "my husband died last month..."
I went from having an ATT family plan
to being the only person on the account
I went from being Jesse and Priya
to just Priya

Surprise visitors. Quack.

They randomly showed up today.

Jess...is this you from beyond?

Are you trying to tell me something?

Quack?

Kidding.

I cracked myself up!

Jesse would've laughed too.

I love you babe...

Raise Money for For Jesse and his girls | YouCaring

Maybe this is the universe's way of achieving balance.
So much was taken away from me recently.
At the same time...so much was given as well.
Family, friends, sisterhood, love, support, hugs, words, care, laughter, thoughts...food, and so much more.

Eternally grateful,

Priya
Raise Money for For Jesse and his girls | YouCaring

"Think about this day and this moment..."

We went to the park today...the same one by our home, the one we used to go to all the time.

The stroller didn't fight back today.

The weather was pleasant.

I thought about one of the many times we walked there hand in hand. Maya was a few days old and I had her close to my body. Isis was mastering her bicycling skills and she was riding the bike around the park in circles...waving at us every so often. As the sun started to set, we decided to walk home.

We were sleep deprived and so tired.

Both of us.

You asked me to stop walking. You took my hands and you said..." Isn't life amazing baby. Everything is perfect...we are perfect. I want you to think about this day and this moment any time life becomes too tough to handle, okay?"

I said yes.

We hugged.

We walked back home.

Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for giving me moments like those to cherish for the rest of my life.

I love you...where ever you are.

I think about you all the time.

I hope you are thinking about those moments too and I hope you are peaceful.

Goodnight my love.

Fucking stroller and car seat

Babe...

I am so pissed!
I am sitting in the park crying while Maya is sleeping in the stroller.

The few times we used this damn stroller, you were in charge. I never bothered figuring out how it works because I didn't ever imagine that you would just die on me one day.

It is getting hard for me to carry Maya around in the wrap. She is a little over twelve pounds now.

I finally figured out how to open the damn stroller from the folded position, like you had last left it, I figured out how to fold it back down, which was a bitch and then it took me a while to load it in the car and I was ready to give up.

Oh and Isis was whining at me the whole time...

We finally get to the park and then I had to figure out how to attach the car seat to the stroller.

It's all done.
I know, I know...it's just a stroller!

I cannot seem to enjoy this beautiful view.
I am...however calmer now than I was ten minutes ago.

Maya is snoring lightly. I love her so much.

Isis is playing like a monkey. I love her very much as well.

I fucking miss you! Why did you leave babe?

Sleep and fear

After Jesse's passing, I continued to sleep in our bedroom, on our bed we once shared. Pippi slept with me in that room while she stayed with me and of course Maya always sleeps in the room with me.

Sleep is hard to come by.

I fall asleep for a few minutes and then wake up and stay up.
And sometimes...I don't want to sleep.
My eyes get heavy and I fight the urge to close them.

However, after Pippi left, I was all alone in that room with Maya.
It became worse.
I couldn't sleep at all.
I lie in bed...almost all night looking at pictures of Jesse, reading things he wrote, thinking about how I should organize his belongings, thinking about what I should keep, thinking about moving because this house is not the same anymore.
I nurse Maya when she wakes up and then continue to stay awake with my thoughts.

I look toward the door every so often...hoping...for Jesse to walk in. Or I wait and listen for his footsteps out in the family room.

Anticipation...cajoles me to stay awake.

Until two nights ago, I wasn't consciously aware of how traumatic this has been for me. My body is telling me, it is giving me signs.
I had to supplement Maya's diet with formula.
Oh, the sadness in accepting the defeat of being unable to nourish your child...!

The only time my body relaxes enough to fall asleep is during day break...when the sun just begins to come up. I open the curtains, let the sunlight in and then fall asleep for a few hours.
Anxiety sets in as the day nears to an end.

I have begun to dislike the night.

One, because I still look forward to Jesse coming home at 6:15 pm and
two, because I think about the way he left me.
Then I begin to obsess about what happened, what could've been done, what is going to happen...and then...too wound up to sleep.

Fuck it!

And then there is fear.
Fear.
fear of not knowing...
fear of being unable to carry on
fear of wanting to carry on
fear of not being to wake up if I do fall asleep
fear that I will miss something
fear that I need to be doing something other than sleeping
fear of failing as a mother
fear of the future without Jess
fear of the unknown

Last night, I finally acknowledged my need for rest.
I took my mother's advice and slept in the guest bedroom. I was actually able to fall asleep and stay asleep for more than an hour.
Progress.

To end the night, here is one of my favorite songs. I can still hear Jesse singing it in the car...
I love you.
Goodnight.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrMMcdhAXhY

The hairy tooth fairy

Last year, when Isis lost one of her teeth, she was super excited as usual and she set it under her pillow for the tooth fairy. Jesse and I had this conversation about what Isis' thoughts were about the tooth fairy, Santa Claus....Easter bunny. As a little boy, Jesse was devastated when he found out the truth about Santa Claus. Haha. However, Isis is a mature girl for her age and grown ups love chatting with her. She can talk your ears off if you give her the opportunity. Really.

She also has a rabid imagination and she is constantly making up stories about dragons, zombies, werewolves and vampires while she eats her dinner...or they are popping up everywhere in her writing assignments for school. So we really wondered what she thought about the tooth fairy. I made a mental note to myself to have a conversation with her the next day because I was curious.

So that night, I crawled into bed early and I remembered that the tooth fairy was yet to make her rounds. I was feeling lazy so I asked Jesse to be the tooth fairy instead. He complained a bit, but agreed to do it anyway. Isis had just gone to bed and so I asked Jesse to be extra quiet, extra sneaky, and extra gentle while he moved her pillow.

Out came the tooth and in went two dollars.

Isis announced her visit from the tooth fairy and her earnings at breakfast the next morning. That night, after her bedtime story, we were laying in bed laughing and fooling around. Then...I remembered to talk to her about the tooth fairy. The conversation didn't last very long.

Isis said, "Oh yeah...the tooth fairy visited last night mama and I must say...that was one big hairy tooth fairy!"

There was a second of silence while we looked at each other and then we began laughing hysterically. We were laughing so hard that Jesse came in from the other room to see what was going on. As we heard his footsteps approaching, we both wondered if we should tell him about it or not.

Side note: I always told people I was taking care of two children, Isis and Jesse. When Maya was on her way, I told people that soon I was going to be taking care of three children.

Jesse was such a child at heart and I loved that about him. Thinking back, it is actually amazing to see how fluid and healthy our family dynamics were. Isis would assume the grown up role occasionally with daddy and I have seen it action. It was heart warming and pretty darn cute.

So here were are...deciding together if we should let daddy know that she is aware about the non-existence of the tooth fairy or if we should continue to keep it a secret. We decide to tell him anyway...but Jesse didn't want to talk much about it and shushed us because deep down inside he wanted Isis to continue to believe in these imaginary creatures. I also think that Jesse sometimes wanted time to stand still and he wanted Isis to be his little girl and never grow up.

I also wish for that at times...and other times, I cannot wait for her to figure out what major she wants to pick out in college and what career path she wants to take. Exciting!

Again...the milestones will be a sad reminder of his absence...for all of us.

Isis lost another tooth yesterday. She is proud that she holds the current record in her class for the person who has lost the most teeth so far this year. The count is three.

I am going to be sneaking in there in a little while.
Thankfully, I am not that hairy.

This also reminds me that I need to dedicate a post in the future to "Toothy the Tooth Dragon"...a character that Jesse created for Isis. He even drew Toothy.

We miss you....our hairy tooth fairy!
Love you always sweetie.
Goodnight.

Pure

This is for you
just for you
It is pure
just like our love

This moment is just for you
this heartbeat...right at this moment
just for you
the place you once occupied, now empty
idle
the candle burns
this breath, in and out, just for you
the tears

Pure
I don't want anybody else near it
lets go
I want you to myself
keenly desirous of more memories
but how is that possible?
I fear
memories are finite, no?
then what?

Will you take me with you?
will you wait for me?
Wait.

Just like the looks in their eyes
Isis
Maya
pure
like this moment
reserved only for you, nobody else
pure
like the beating of our hearts together
they still beat together
I hear yours
soothing
yet, unquiet
pure...like the raindrops outside our window
Don't cry babe
here...take my hand.
Sit down.
let us breathe together
just me and you
alone
Pure.

P.S. I love you

I watched the movie, "P.S. I love you", a few years ago and for whatever reason it became one of my favorite movies. I loved the kind of love Holly and Gerry shared.
I asked Jesse to watch it with me and he was hesitant in the beginning and rolled his eyes, even though he watched chick flicks with me all the time.

Oh, and one thing about my Jess...he was a crier.
He sobbed during movies....even chick flicks.
He was so cute!

So one summer, we decide to rent the movie before we head out to Monterey for the weekend. The plan was to watch it in our hotel room. Isis was out of town for the summer, as usual, visiting the grandparents.

Jesse and I took maximum advantage of our child free summers and we felt, and sometimes acted, like teenagers without curfew times or limits.

Once we got to Monterey, and we had our romantic dinner date by the ocean, we realized that we forgot our movie back at home. I got sad. So Jesse looks up the closest Blockbuster near our hotel and we drive there so we could rent the movie. We were adamant about watching this movie that night.

So for those of you who don't know... the movie is about a young woman who loses her husband to an illness. But before he died, he plans a way in which he could continue to "be there" for her after his death through a series of letters. The letters, most of them related to the past they shared together, guide her and prepare her for a future without him.

So we settle down on the bed, cuddle and watch the movie. We laughed and cried...well...mostly Jesse cried while I held him tight.

Since then, it became one of our favorite movies. We watched it again last year with papa Steve and Mama Yoli and Jesse cried again... while I hugged him.

I decided to watch the movie a few days ago...by myself. I got me some ice cream and settled down on the couch after Maya was asleep. I cried the second the movie started, but soon I became numb...removed. I cried every so often and thought about the scenes in the movie that Jesse liked...parts of the movie we discussed. But it didn't effect me the way I expected it to effect me.

It is a movie...
This is my life.

I never once imagined that I would find myself in the same position one day...with my husband gone. Although he didn't leave me any letters for the future, I have his memories, our memories, letters from the past, cards he made for me, and above all...my kids.

They remind me of him and remind me of my strength...the same strength that he admired and fell in love with.

P.S...guess what?

Get my head out of the clouds

I wish I had the luxury to keep my head in the clouds and pretend like nothing happened, nothing is going to happen, and shrug away my responsibilities.

Today...somebody who I really don't have a real personal connection to, took the liberty of making a comment about my life and some of the battles that I have been fighting since my husband died. This person said that I needed to be proactive and do something about the situation and "get my head out of the clouds."

Excuse me?

You have no details about my situation since I keep my personal business private, especially when it comes to my children. But to assume that I am not doing anything about it is just disrespectful not only to me but also to Jesse and my family.

I am reminded of my pain the moment I open my eyes.
I go to bed each night with lingering anxiety and restlessness.
These struggles are mine, and mine alone. But I am thankful that I have people to fall back on.
I am not about to go ahead and make my business public so you can go ahead and continue to make judgments about my situation.

I don't need your pity.
I don't need your insensitivity.
I don't need your judgments.

If you wish to continue to support me and my family, it is my humble request that you refrain from judgments and criticisms. If you know of resources that you think I might find beneficial at this point, then please... please let me know and I will appreciate that.

But if you are going tell me what a shitty job I am doing, or tell me that I need to get my head out of the clouds...keep those thoughts and comments to yourself and just respect me and my family by remembering the happy moments you had with us or Jesse. That is the best thing you can do for us.

To the people who are part of my support system, near and far...you know who you are. I love each and every one of you and I thank each and every one of you every single moment I get.
I am eternally grateful to all of you.

Peace.

Hate me

I cannot get this song out of my mind since Jesse passed. I was familiar with the song in the past, but Jesse discovered it a few weeks ago through the message board.

He cried when he listened to it and he said it described his early struggles in his life and also his relationship with his mother rather well.

He listened to it a lot.
It brought up a lot of memories for him and I think he also made peace with a lot of those memories.

Jesse loved his mother. He loved his father too...
...but his mom was his rock.

I told her about this song because I thought she should know what Jesse had told me just a few days ago and how he felt. I also told her that I could play it for her when she was ready to listen to it. I bet it wasn't easy for her. I am sorry if this post brings up more sadness for you mama. It's not my intention.

I just cannot get the words out of my head because it also reminds me of Jess's personal struggles. Some of the things he processed with me, things we processed together as a couple, memories that needed unburdening...bringing us closer than ever.

I love you babe.

I hope you are resting, flying, and watching.
Goodnight.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDxgSvJINlU&ob=av2n

The world spins madly on

I cannot believe that my Jesse has been gone for over a month now.
What did I do for a month?

When he passed, it seemed like I wont be able to breathe again.
I know there will be one day when even breathing will seem alright.

Right now it doesn't.

Yesterday I took the first step of saying goodbye to Jess. I picked out a giant plastic bin and put a few things of his that I wanted to keep with me. Inside it went the last two shirts he wore, the ones that have the smell of his skin. The last pair of pants he wore. Three of his favorite hats. His backpack. The last pair of shoes he wore, his harley boots that were a gift from me. I told him that he couldn't have the motorcycle...but he could enjoy the motorcycle boots instead. He eventually thought that was cute.

I also saved his cowboy boots that we purchased in a store somewhere on Route 66 during our cross country road trip. His favorite leather jacket, that also served as a baby carrier for Maya since she was a few days old. He walked everywhere with her that way, close to his heart, and Maya loved it.

The red Indian shirt/kurta that he loved so much, that he wore when he carried Maya in his arms while he skyped with papa Steve the weekend before he passed.

It also has his smell. 

The pair of boxer briefs he wore to bed that night after his shower is also in the box. They left it for me next to our bed before they took him away.

They left his wedding band on the dresser for me.

As I write all of this down...it seems like I am saving a lot of his things. But there is so much more I want to save. I want to save every single pair of his socks if I could, every single thing he ever touched. But I know I have to let go. And I will.

I will.

Right now, I want to continue to see his shirts, blazers, and ties hanging in the closet as I lay in bed.

...as the world continues to spin madly on.

Maya got ouchies

Take Maya to her four month check up without Jesse. Check.

Maya had her four month birthday yesterday and today she saw her doctor for her routine check up and another set of vaccines. Last time we were there, she was two months old and she was getting her very first set of vaccines. I remember being scared and anxious for my baby. Jesse held her while she got poked because, one, he was brave and I couldn't do it and two, he wanted Maya to associate after needle ouchie comforts with mommy. So I took her and loved her and held her after the deed was done.

Today, I did both. I held her for the needle jabs and continued to hold her and comfort her after the pain set in. My heart hurt when I saw it coming and when I knew the pain would hit her. Oh my poor poor baby...

Pippi was with me for support, but I wanted to do it all on my own. And I am proud of myself for not crying.

She is going to start eating rice cereal soon. She is growing up. Fast.

Along with happiness, every milestone for Isis and Maya is going to be a melancholic reminder of what Jesse is missing.

I miss you so much babe. Goodnight.