Friday, June 8, 2012

This week

  • Cried quite a bit, but mostly at night.
  • Read that grief book for more than five minutes in one sitting.
  • Actually spoke about to you to strangers and didn't cry, choked up, but continued to have a conversation.
  • Cried (bawled) while I spoke to a child therapist on the phone.
  • Almost called the 24 hour support line to talk about you and what happened, but couldn't get myself to.
  • Teared up when filling out a form because I started to write your name under "Emergency Contact". 
  • Learned that I can never write your name down again on that line.
  • Identified as a single mother for the first time to a stranger.
  • Changed beneficiaries on my bank accounts. You were my beneficiary.
  • Every now and then, I used the term "died" instead of "passed away" to see how it feels. It is still painful. I am going to continue to go with "passed away" for now.
  • Wondered about how you died. I wondered a lot about that the first few weeks after you were gone, but as days went by, it didn't really matter anymore. You are gone. Nothing is going to change that. But this week, I wondered about what really happened to you. How?
  • I realize I am still scared to call the coroner's office to find out.
  • Had our first bug encounter at home without you coming to the rescue. There was a spider in Isis' room and we both freaked out and the next five minutes were dramatic with bug sprays and tissues ready in hand to squish the thing, but neither of us could do it. So we settled for carefully taking the jacket outside and throwing it out on the deck so the spider could walk away. Yes, of course Isis said, "Oh no...daddy is not here!"
  • Actually dialed your number even though I cancelled the service long time ago. I just wanted to dial your number and I did.
  • I am slowly beginning to realize that some days will be better than others and to try and enjoy them if possible.
  • I learned, after talking to Mama, that I am going to have to build and get used to a new "normal". The old one was gone along with the last breath you took.
  • Maya is growing up so fast.


  1. I feel so sorry for your loss but I know Jesse would be so proud of your strength. Even if you don't feel strong, your honest here, on these pages is a testament to that strength.

  2. - Dejah ( a friend of Jesse's and yours although you and I have never met)