Permanence

These past few days I have been feeling like I have lost my connection to you.
Where are you?
I feel like I took a took a few steps forward, and that is a good thing.

However, I feel like I am leaving you behind.
I miss you.
I miss you.
Everything about you. The laughter, the love, the holding hands, the companionship, the way our eyes met, the way we spoke.
The way we slept each night, your arm around me, our legs intertwined, your breath on the back of my neck.


Breathing. In and out. Warm air. My home.
You were my home.
You are my home.


Our silly fights
intense conversations
your foot rubs
making up after a fight
cooking together
reading together
movie nights
crazy laughter
crazy uncontrollable laughter.

I miss it all.
I miss every inch of you.
and your spirit

I don't see you in my dreams anymore.
But I feel you around.
Here's the thing.
I feel you around, but I feel like I am not acknowledging you.
I feel like I am supposed to be stopping to do something to recognize that feeling.
That's the disconnect.

I do recognize though.
I think of you fondly.
and other times with sadness, with love, with laughter, with music, with silliness, with anger.
It is confusing.

You left me here.
You left me.

But Jess...
You left me with so much love in my heart.
Still to give.
We had so much love together.
You left me with memories
With the girls.
our babies.
You left me with my resilience
and a reminder that others can be resilient too.

You left me with moments
Moments are permanent
unlike life.

You left me with
faith.
Faith, that one day I will find my purpose again.
A bigger purpose.


I love you.
Always.
always


forever