Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Hey mama! I got me some socks

Aunt Carla recently compared the strength that she sees in me to the warrior that she sees in Jesse's mother.

That is a wonderful compliment.

I hold Jesse's mom, mama, as I like to call her, very close to my heart. After she arrived from Missouri is when I was really able to allow myself to sleep after that dreadful night. I think about her all the time. I think about the sadness she feels after losing her only child. As a mother, the amount of emotional pain and turmoil that she is experiencing is beyond my comprehension.

At the same time, I also draw so much strength and dignity from her. And to be compared to the warrior in her makes me grateful and proud.

While I was talking to her last night I was telling her about the mixed feelings that I mentioned in my last post. I told her that I went to a store with pippi who suggested I buy a little something for myself. I couldn't get myself to do that.

Wait...I couldn't even get myself to think that. I said that it is going to be a while before I shop for myself.

How can I buy something for myself while Jesse is not here with me... I thought.

I wanted to cry.

I wanted my Jesse.

So I was telling her about that and I also mentioned to her that all I wanted was some soft, fuzzy socks but couldn't get myself to buy it.

Today was a big day for me.

So mama told me that I should reward myself with some socks at the end of the day if things went well, for a job well done, or to comfort myself with socks if I felt like things didn't go well.

And that is exactly what I did.

I went and rewarded myself with not one, but two pairs of socks today.

And here is the best part...aunty pippi paid for them.

So the guilt can go suck it for now!

I love you mama.

Thank you for giving me my Jesse.

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