Sunday, April 22, 2012

The world spins madly on

I cannot believe that my Jesse has been gone for over a month now.
What did I do for a month?

When he passed, it seemed like I wont be able to breathe again.
I know there will be one day when even breathing will seem alright.

Right now it doesn't.

Yesterday I took the first step of saying goodbye to Jess. I picked out a giant plastic bin and put a few things of his that I wanted to keep with me. Inside it went the last two shirts he wore, the ones that have the smell of his skin. The last pair of pants he wore. Three of his favorite hats. His backpack. The last pair of shoes he wore, his harley boots that were a gift from me. I told him that he couldn't have the motorcycle...but he could enjoy the motorcycle boots instead. He eventually thought that was cute.

I also saved his cowboy boots that we purchased in a store somewhere on Route 66 during our cross country road trip. His favorite leather jacket, that also served as a baby carrier for Maya since she was a few days old. He walked everywhere with her that way, close to his heart, and Maya loved it.

The red Indian shirt/kurta that he loved so much, that he wore when he carried Maya in his arms while he skyped with papa Steve the weekend before he passed.

It also has his smell. 

The pair of boxer briefs he wore to bed that night after his shower is also in the box. They left it for me next to our bed before they took him away.

They left his wedding band on the dresser for me.

As I write all of this seems like I am saving a lot of his things. But there is so much more I want to save. I want to save every single pair of his socks if I could, every single thing he ever touched. But I know I have to let go. And I will.

I will.

Right now, I want to continue to see his shirts, blazers, and ties hanging in the closet as I lay in bed. the world continues to spin madly on.

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