Thursday, April 5, 2012

Moments of quiet...

There have been a few times since Jesse's death when everything slows down and I have nothing to do. I am not on the phone, Maya is asleep, or I need help with whatever needs to be done and I cannot get the help right away...forcing me to take a break. These moments are terrifying and sad because they make me think about Jesse, which is not a bad thing in itself, but it forces me to acknowledge the fact that he's gone. Gone. Never to return. It causes me unbearable pain to know that he is not here to see Maya laugh for the first time. Maya used to laugh only in her sleep when Jesse was here. I remember putting her to sleep a few hours after Jesse had passed and she laughed and laughed. I like to believe that Jesse had something to do with it. On the day of his service, which I will talk about later in another post, she actually started laughing while playing with my sister, Preethi. I didn't believe it, but I witnessed it the next day and it was amazing. I wish Jesse could see it and laugh with her. She is also babbling quite a bit and expressing herself through coos and "aahhhhh's". She looks just her daddy to me. Sometimes, I also have conversations with Maya after she has nursed where she maintains complete eye contact with me and I talk to her about daddy and why mommy is sad lately and she listens attentively. I know...I know...she is only three months old, but I think she understands. She really does.

On March 19th, two days before Jesse died, we celebrated Maya's three month birthday. Jesse took this picture that day. I happened to be in Berkeley for my last post delivery appointment with my midwife Jeri, who is amazing by the way. I picked Jesse up from work and we had a mini date night. We ate at Jupiter and we both had shrimp pizza for the first time. I didn't know then that he was having chest pains while we ate that pizza, and I didn't find out until after his death. I am pissed off that he didn't tell me and I am pissed off that I couldn't figure it out telepathically. Yeah...fucking survivors guilt.

How is Isis doing? sweet Isis! She is "adjusting" fairly well given the circumstances. Watching your mom frantically try to revive your dead father in the middle of the night is not something I wish on any child. I hope the universe gives her a break. She is such a brave and strong little muffin. I will have many, many more posts dedicated just to Isis.

Well...going back to moments of quiet, there is so much going on in my head as you can tell from this circumstantial post. I keep thinking about all these things that happened recently because Jesse was just here, he was just here and now he's gone. How can I ever make sense of that?

Maya is awake now.


  1. Priya, I am so heart-broken. For you, and Isis and Maya. But, most of all, for Jesse. He was always happy, but never so happy as when he was with you. And, never so complete. I keep imagining him on the other side, really pissed-off that this happened.

    I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Thinking of you, sending love and hugs.

  2. Priya, I'm soo sorry to hear about your loss! My prayers are with you and your beautiful daughters. I never knew or met your husband, but reading about him through you, I'm sure he was a great husband and a greater father to Isis & Maya.

    My thoughts & prayers are always with you & your family!

  3. Yup. That is what sucks and hurts the most. I can see him go "fuck fuck fuck!" over and over again on the other side.

  4. Thanks for writing. Deep sadness. Thank you for being with Maya and Isis. Thank you for loving Jesse.

  5. I can't even imagine what you and Isis had to go through. My heart goes weak at the thought...