There have been a few times since Jesse's death when everything slows down and I have nothing to do. I am not on the phone, Maya is asleep, or I need help with whatever needs to be done and I cannot get the help right away...forcing me to take a break. These moments are terrifying and sad because they make me think about Jesse, which is not a bad thing in itself, but it forces me to acknowledge the fact that he's gone. Gone. Never to return. It causes me unbearable pain to know that he is not here to see Maya laugh for the first time. Maya used to laugh only in her sleep when Jesse was here. I remember putting her to sleep a few hours after Jesse had passed and she laughed and laughed. I like to believe that Jesse had something to do with it. On the day of his service, which I will talk about later in another post, she actually started laughing while playing with my sister, Preethi. I didn't believe it, but I witnessed it the next day and it was amazing. I wish Jesse could see it and laugh with her. She is also babbling quite a bit and expressing herself through coos and "aahhhhh's". She looks just her daddy to me. Sometimes, I also have conversations with Maya after she has nursed where she maintains complete eye contact with me and I talk to her about daddy and why mommy is sad lately and she listens attentively. I know...I know...she is only three months old, but I think she understands. She really does.
How is Isis doing? Oh...my sweet Isis! She is "adjusting" fairly well given the circumstances. Watching your mom frantically try to revive your dead father in the middle of the night is not something I wish on any child. I hope the universe gives her a break. She is such a brave and strong little muffin. I will have many, many more posts dedicated just to Isis.
Well...going back to moments of quiet, there is so much going on in my head as you can tell from this circumstantial post. I keep thinking about all these things that happened recently because Jesse was just here, he was just here and now he's gone. How can I ever make sense of that?
Maya is awake now.