There are all these mixed feelings that arise when it comes to enjoying the simple things in life after a significant other has passed. It is not just the guilt...there is also pity, anger, the feeling that you don't deserve to be happy, the somber reminiscences that haunt you...coupled with the lucid past.
It's all there.
After any sort of traumatic experience, the "everything will be okay" cliché gets thrown around a lot.
Please, Please, don't get me wrong.
I do appreciate those words and the heartfelt sentiments they convey. However,for me, they really weren't comforting and depending on how my day goes, they still don't bolster my hope because of the deep sense of loss I am experiencing.
Again...it's not like I have given up.
It's the mixed feelings that I was talking about earlier.
How can everything be alright now that my husband is dead? Dead...
How can everything be alright now that my children don't have their daddy around?
How can everything be alright when I cannot hug him, feel him, lay next to him, laugh with him, fight with him, live with him?
How can everything be alright after our dreams and my life came to a sudden,distressing, screeching halt?
Do you get me? It's all of the above and much more that makes me a non believer of that cliché.
A temporary non believer.
Once again...please don't get me wrong and feel like I am being dismissive about the support I have received. I do appreciate all the kind words.
Now, let's talk about sunshine.
Today was a good day. For the first time since Jesse's passing, I was able to enjoy the sunshine for a bit and also take a few deep breaths and smile.
I drove to Berkeley today to meet a good friend. Jess and I have so much history in Berkeley, so many...many memories. I remembered him waiting for me on the sidewalk, his face buried in his kindle. I would honk and he would look up with a grin and get in the car and reach out for hugs and kisses, and I would occasionally get a quick shoulder massage while I drove. Yeah...
I looked for him at our usual meeting spot.
I felt him. The grin.
I really do feel him close to me, quiet a lot these days.
The tears are there even during the pleasant sunshine moments.
But as far as the cliché goes...
I know I will live through this all and so will my girls.
We are a team.
We will make it. Even if we have to stumble along the way for a while...we will make it.
Goodnight Jesse. I love you babe.