Friday, April 27, 2012

Sleep and fear

After Jesse's passing, I continued to sleep in our bedroom, on our bed we once shared. Pippi slept with me in that room while she stayed with me and of course Maya always sleeps in the room with me.

Sleep is hard to come by.

I fall asleep for a few minutes and then wake up and stay up.
And sometimes...I don't want to sleep.
My eyes get heavy and I fight the urge to close them.

However, after Pippi left, I was all alone in that room with Maya.
It became worse.
I couldn't sleep at all.
I lie in bed...almost all night looking at pictures of Jesse, reading things he wrote, thinking about how I should organize his belongings, thinking about what I should keep, thinking about moving because this house is not the same anymore.
I nurse Maya when she wakes up and then continue to stay awake with my thoughts.

I look toward the door every so often...hoping...for Jesse to walk in. Or I wait and listen for his footsteps out in the family room.

Anticipation...cajoles me to stay awake.

Until two nights ago, I wasn't consciously aware of how traumatic this has been for me. My body is telling me, it is giving me signs.
I had to supplement Maya's diet with formula.
Oh, the sadness in accepting the defeat of being unable to nourish your child...!

The only time my body relaxes enough to fall asleep is during day break...when the sun just begins to come up. I open the curtains, let the sunlight in and then fall asleep for a few hours.
Anxiety sets in as the day nears to an end.

I have begun to dislike the night.

One, because I still look forward to Jesse coming home at 6:15 pm and
two, because I think about the way he left me.
Then I begin to obsess about what happened, what could've been done, what is going to happen...and then...too wound up to sleep.

Fuck it!

And then there is fear.
fear of not knowing...
fear of being unable to carry on
fear of wanting to carry on
fear of not being to wake up if I do fall asleep
fear that I will miss something
fear that I need to be doing something other than sleeping
fear of failing as a mother
fear of the future without Jess
fear of the unknown

Last night, I finally acknowledged my need for rest.
I took my mother's advice and slept in the guest bedroom. I was actually able to fall asleep and stay asleep for more than an hour.

To end the night, here is one of my favorite songs. I can still hear Jesse singing it in the car...
I love you.

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