Saturday, April 7, 2012

It's the weekend. I can't keep track.

I have had to go to several government agencies and fill out numerous forms these past few days. The first question they usually ask is, "How can I help you today?" And every time I answer that question, I say, "My husband passed away last week..."

It has been sixteen days to be exact. I don't want to keep track.

I am having a hard time moving forward from that week, from that day. This is the third weekend since Jesse's passing and I am thinking about what I am (we are) going to do during the weekends in future. I miss our weekend breakfast/brunch. Jesse would make pancakes, sausages, sometimes syrup from scratch from store bought strawberries or cherries from our backyard and we ate while we watched movies. Then there were those weekends when we'd just grab the stroller, diaper bag, the girls, and head out on some local adventure. He also made sure I got a "break" during the weekends no matter what we did. I would hardly change a diaper. Jesse would take Maya to the men's restroom and change her if were out and about. I usually got to see her and hold her only for feedings and then she would hang with daddy all weekend. He would sit and chat with me while I nursed Maya and he would wait for her to finish nursing on one side so he could burp her, play with her some more before he gave her back to me. He would insist I catch up on my sleep and get out of the house for some me time. When I did go out by myself, I would start missing them after 30 minutes or so. I would begin to think: Jesse would love this sandwich, Isis would love this pastry, Maya could use some fresh air, they all need to see this wall art and listen to this music...

So I would come home and be surrounded by love and hugs again while Jesse continued to explain to me about the importance of alone time.

I do plan on getting out eventually with the girls and enjoy the beautiful California weather. But for now, I want to stay inside. I want to sleep in our bed, wrapped in our comforter, on his pillow, while I look outside the window and think about him. I still use his towel, I wear his t shirts to bed, I use his toothbrush, his bar soap...things that touched his skin. That's all I got.

"I braved the cat, Lance- for cherries to make my sweetie some cherry
syrup for her pancakes this morning- I wish y'all were here to eat them!"- Jesse, talking to our friend Lance on Facebook last year.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Every time I come to your blog I start to cry. It is both beautiful and heartbreaking to hear about how much he is still with you. Sometimes I think if I lost Josh that I would never be able to move again, so it is strengthening to hear that you are making small steps every day. You're amazing.