Aunty Pippi, Isis, Maya and I went for a walk down to Amy's donuts today. Your face and your voice kept coming back to me every time I looked down and saw the green grass, spring flowers, people around our neighborhood, parents with their children, the blue sky. The simple things around me make me sad...very sad. I am sad that you cannot see what I see, sad that you cannot take these walks with me. Sad that Isis and Maya are missing out on the awesome daddy-ness...and I miss you, my lover.
On our way back home from our walk, we saw a camping trailer and Isis and I immediately thought about the conversation we all had the weekend before you passed...about how you and I would travel around the country in one of those campers when we are old and Isis insisting that she would still want to hang out with us when she's 28. Uummm...not!
By the way, Isis doesn't like using the words "dead" or "died". So we have agreed that she can just use her comfort word "meep" instead. So, "...the weekend before daddy meeped..."
Isis and I have had a lot of conversations about you and death and what happened. One of the first things she asked me a day or two after you passed was, "Mama...what happens after death and where is daddy right now?" I paused and thought about it for a few seconds and told her that different people have different beliefs about it, but that I believe that people's spirits fly away and are reunited with the spirits of other loved ones who have passed. I also told her that you are probably having a great time and that your back doesn't hurt any more. I didn't know what else to say and I am not sure if my answer comforted her. I am not even sure if I am comforted by my own answer but I do believe that you are with grandma Rose and grandma Meenakshi, and other loved ones who have passed....especially after my dream that evening, a few hours before you passed.
A few hours before Jesse passed, I fell asleep next to Maya for around twenty minutes or so. I was waiting for Jesse to come home and I just wanted to see him and hold him because he was having a hard day. That's when I dreamt that my grandmother Meenakshi was dying. But grandma Meenakshi died in December of 2009. It was a strange and discomforting dream. I immediately woke up and sent a text to Jesse about it. He told me that it was probably my way of still processing her death since I never got a chance to say goodbye to her.
Anyway...about my conversation with Isis, Nana Yoli walked in on it. Nana Yoli told Isis about what her aunt had told her when she was a little girl and Isis seemed to like Nana Yoli's version much better than mine. She told Isis that after people die, they go to the train station and they have the option of getting on one of two trains. The train that takes them to the "maker" or "heavenly father" or the train that takes them to the place where they can be reborn and come back to earth. Isis smiled and was excited and she said, " Oh...I know which train daddy got on...the one that will help him come back to earth again!" I was proud of our pagan daughter for picking that one. (No offense Nana Yoli, we love you). I also told Nana Yoli about my dream and she believes that grandma Meenakshi was there to help you through the journey that you were going to make a few hours from then. I don't know if I believe that, but it comforted me.
Meanwhile...enjoy the blossoms in our backyard baby. They are small reminders to me that life is still beautiful.
I love you Jesse. Goodnight.