We are ready to release your husband to you

Said the lady from the funeral home.

Jesse's ashes are ready to be picked up. Saturday is the day...he comes back home to me. My father in law will be driving me because I have a feeling I won't be able to keep it together.

Jesse will mostly stay with me and my girls but he will eventually travel to Iowa, Missouri, Texas, and India.

Yesterday was rough and so was today. Isis had her Spring concert in school last night and when she told me, my first thought was, "oh shit!" One of the last things we did as a family was the multicultural night at school, the Friday before he passed.

How am I going to do these events on my own without Jesse? We did it all together. I can't do this, I thought. But after a few minutes...it dawned on me that I simply had to. There will be many more concerts, plays, recitals, and graduations that I need to attend without Jesse and I will be representing both daddy and mommy.

Jesse would do it for me.

Yes...our world changed dramatically but consistency and stability is what my children need from me now, especially Isis. So we went to the concert...aunty pippi, papa Steve, Maya and I.

I am so glad I did it!

Today was rough as well. I wanted to give up so many times and run away or dig a hole in the earth, crawl in, and stay there. I know that the kids need me but still...that doesn't mean I am not entitled to my own selfish feelings. Right?

Thankfully, I have people in my life who are constantly encouraging the warrior in me to keep going. Keep fighting.

Jesse...baby...I know you are sorry for leaving me and the kids this way. I can actually see and hear you cry. I know babe. I wish we could talk and hug it out like we normally do...but it's all good sweetie. We'll be fine.
I love you.
Goodnight.